My Journey With Shyness

Not all introverts are shy. Not all highly sensitive introverts are shy either. Shyness is, to put it simply, anxiety in social situations and while there may be a correlation at times with introverts and highly sensitive people, it does not mean that if you are an introvert and or highly sensitive that you are also shy. I talk more about the differences between these three things here (Simple Definitions of High Sensitivity, Introvert, and Shy).

I am shy though. I have been since I was a child. I probably will continue to be shy throughout my life. I have not grown out of it, though some people do. And I do not think that I will grow out of it though if I did, then parts of my life might be a little bit easier. 

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had with my shyness though. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t shy, but I also would not have become the person I am today if I had not been shy in the first place. I am cautious by nature but my shyness is more than that. It is anxiety in social situations. 

My parents, knowing that I was shy, decided that they would put me in a Montessori kindergarten. They wanted me to be in a school environment where I was not looked down on for my shyness and where I could learn and grow in a place that accepted who I was and focused on how I could learn. My parents found such a school. I am thankful for it and I have several fond memories from it. In fact, I ONLY have fond memories from it.

I did not talk at school. My teachers probably questioned at times if I could even talk. Then one day, one of my teachers walked into the room I was in and heard me talking to the school’s cat. Yep, that’s me. Talking to a cat. Not to my teacher. At some point I felt comfortable enough to start talking to my teachers and to the others kids at the school. 

From then on, the first day of school was always nerve racking for me. I didn’t know who would be in my class, what to expect about my teacher, or what we would be learning that year. I enjoyed school though, I enjoyed being with my friends, I had good teachers. And I talked. But, I also had my own solitude at home to recharge.

When I was twelve, I was asked to speak in front of a large group of about 100-150 people. I had the option of saying no, but instead I said, “Yes.” With my heart pounding, I sat at the front of the group waiting for my turn to speak. When it was my turn, I could not open my mouth to speak. Fear paralyzed me, I turned and sat down. Luckily it was a large group of people who were familiar with who I was and with my family. There are three things that I’ve gained from this experience: 

1. Determination – I was determined that that would not happen to me again. The next time I was given the chance to speak to the same group, I did. I was still extremely anxious about it, but I did it. And I felt so accomplished after I did. I pushed through the fear and felt good about my efforts. 
2. I Can Succeed – It taught me that I was capable of doing something that I had failed at before. One of the amazing things about success, is that it usually comes with trial and error. It is also much sweeter after the bitterness of failure. Because of the determination that I had from this experience it taught me that I could do it. I hope that this experience can show others with shyness that they too can push past their fear and succeed, even if there have been failures in the past. I hope my daughter understands this as she too struggles to speak to her peers. She is capable, she just needs to believe it.
3. Understanding – Now whenever I hear a youth speak in front of a large group, I am amazed at what they are accomplishing. Many people have the fear of public speaking, whether extrovert, introvert or shy, it is a valid fear. And when I see anyone overcome that fear, I am proud of them. I am honored to know them. As a leader in our church’s youth program, there are times that the youth tell me about their experience of speaking in front of groups of people. They are usually concerned with how they did and I tell them they did great. I usually try to tell them why as well, giving specifics, but I also tell them about my first time. Because, if they spoke, they did better than my first time. So, my experience as a 12 yr. old, has taught me greater understanding for those who are also afraid to speak up.

When I as in high school I was enrolled in a class that pretty much focused on success. I had an amazing teacher who cared about his students. He pushed us to succeed, but did it in a way that made it feel that it was possible to succeed. Also in this class there was a lot of work that was done in groups as well as class presentations. Both of these things brought me anxiety, but my teacher was understanding, supportive and inspiring. He helped me see some of my strengths, in fact he focused on the positive mostly, while still being able to instruct on ways we could improve. When I look back now, the comments that I remember were positive even though I know that he gave constructive criticism as well. When I was 15, my younger brother passed away. I remember giving one of my presentations after this and being really emotional as I shared an experience I had had with my younger brother. I paused to gain control of myself before continuing on. I remember the comment that my teacher gave, as he pointed out a strength in being able to recognize the need to pause, being okay with it and gaining the control that I needed to continue in my presentation. He did well at guiding me because he did it in a way that showed that he cared.

After high school and a few years into college, I decided to serve a mission for my church. This was a big step for me and a huge decision. The idea that I would talk to strangers every day about something that was so important to me, terrified me. That is also what terrifies me about writing this blog, I am sharing experiences and thoughts that are important to me. To be vulnerable in such a way, scares me. Yet, as I have now come to see, being willing to be vulnerable is courage. Brené Brown describes this so well in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” Sharing the things that are close to my heart is not comfortable for me, but moving past the uncomfortable is a strength.

I decided to be courageous and share something close to my heart with people I didn’t know. I went on a mission. I went to a place where I would be giving tours of a church historical site. I would at times have to give tours of over 25 people at a time, or just one. It was actually the tours of just one or a small number that terrified me more. My shyness kicking in. I actually changed at some point after my experience as a 12 yr. old and started to enjoy public speaking. That’s not to say that it didn’t still terrify me, but when I started to speak that fear would leave. It’s the smaller groups that scared me more, because I was more likely to make a connection, and I was more likely to get hurt. But I continued and persisted in talking to people both one on one and in large groups. My anxiety of opening myself up to total strangers did not leave but I became better able to deal with that anxiety. I conditioned my body to push through the initial fear and I was happier because of my ability to better deal with it. And the connections that I made were priceless. I do not regret the decision I made to step outside of my comfort zone. I am thankful for the many amazing and beautiful experiences that I had for that year and a half.

As mentioned earlier I am a leader of the youth in my church congregation. I teach the 12-13 young women and I am so thankful for this opportunity. I still am scared and anxious, I still shake with fear, and my heart still pounds. But as soon as I open my mouth to speak it goes away. The more I get to know these young women the more comfortable I am around them. It gets easier the more I know someone, but it still gets difficult whenever I dive deeper into a friendship, opening up myself so that others see a part of me that I would not normally let them see.

I never grew out of my shyness. It is still there. It still exists, while it may be true that some do outgrow their shyness, not everyone does. I think that there is a stigma that “oh she’ll just grow out of it” but the truth is, I didn’t grow out of it. I am still shy. But, I’ve learned to live with it. I came to understand that I was shy and to not use it as an excuse to not live my life. In fact I became determined that I would not let it rule my life. I face the feeling and move through it. I am still not perfect at this, I still often don’t do things out of anxiety, I still often keep myself at a distance from most, and I still am not the best at keeping in contact with others because of the anxiety I feel. But, I do not let it keep me from living my life.

In some ways, I’ve come to see, that those who are shy but continue to live, are some of the most courageous people I know. They are constantly stepping outside their comfort zone. And they are rewarded for doing it.

So, my hope in writing this is that those of you who are shy will see that you are capable of living your lives. Your life can be full and rich. You are able to succeed.

Shyness is not an excuse. It is a tool that helps those of us who are shy to understand our anxiety. Once we understand this we can push through our fear and succeed. Yes, there will be times that we will fail, but failure is part of the learning process to success. We use failure to become more determined to succeed the next time. When we learn why we failed, we apply what we learned and we become better for it.

While we, who are shy, should not see our shyness as an excuse it is also important that others understand that the struggle with shyness is real. It is not something easily overcome and for many, it continues to be a struggle. But it is possible to live a full, happy, and connected life as someone who struggles with shyness.

My other hope is that if you are the parent of a shy child that you can see their potential. That you teach them that they can push through their fears and anxiety and succeed. I hope that at the same time you don't blame them when they fail. It is hard. But, continue to inspire hope in them. Share with them my story, how I live a full, connected life. Share with them others' stories that you have heard. If you struggle with shyness, be an example, share your story. I hope that you teach them that failure is not the end but part of the path to success. And I hope that you teach them with love.

Just a quick note: There are more severe forms of social anxiety. Professional counseling may be beneficial in these cases.

 

What High Sensitivity, an Introvert and/or Shyness May Look Like in a Young Child

My last post was on the simple definitions of being Highly Sensitive as well as Introvert and Shy. (Link Here) In it I shared with you examples of how each of those things look in my life. When looking at a young child though, it is not always easy to tell what is going on with them. Because of this I thought I would share with you examples of my daughter and how each of these traits manifest in her. Just a reminder though that while these traits overlap in some ways a person who has one trait may not have all three.

High Sensitivity – High Sensitivity means a child is more responsive to stimuli. Also highly sensitive children think and feel more deeply. When my Lil Bug was a baby she did not sleep well. In fact, we still struggle with this with her. But, as a baby, in order for her to sleep well she needed a completely dark room and a sound machine to drown out all sound. We needed to make her room the least stimulating as possible. When we were at church, she would sit and just watch everyone. I received comments from people how they had never seen a baby look so attentive. It’s not so much that she was listening to everything the speaker was saying, but she was taking in all the stimuli around her. Now that she is older, when we go to the zoo or another crowded place, she’s quiet again, taking everything in around her. 

Introvert – Introversion is about how we gain and lose energy. Recently with my 20 month old we were at a friend’s house, it was a new environment for her. Within an hour she was tired. It was still a few hours until her nap time, but she was irritable and rubbing her eyes. She was acting like she was ready for nap and she wanted to leave. When we got back to familiarity, she was back to her active and energetic self. In the case of my 3 yr. old, when she gets back from a social event such as her preschool, she is often very irritable and in need of some time to be by herself or to just cuddle with me.

Shyness – Shyness, when defined simply, is social anxiety. Lil Bug is now 3. She only has a few weeks left of Preschool and as far as I know she has only talked once. It makes her anxious to think about saying hi to the other 5 kids in her preschool class. She’ll talk in front of them, only if I am the one teaching that week. When this happens it is her whispering to me. In her Sunday school class she was asked to say a prayer. This is what I was told about the experience. Lil Bug agreed (probably by nodding) and stood up. There was silence and then everyone said, “Amen.” She was so proud of herself and we were proud of her. She was willing to try and stood up. How thankful I am for a teacher who understood her and didn’t force the issue when it wasn’t needed.

I hope that these experiences give you a little insight into what high sensitivity, being an introvert, or shyness may look like in your child. There are different levels of each of these and one child may experience them more or less deeply depending on the situation and the child itself. It is also possible that your child is just going through a phase but if your child is continually showing one of these traits then I hope that the examples that I have shared have been helpful. I will continue in future blog posts to talk about how each of these things affects my life and the lives of my daughters. I hope that you will continue in this journey with me. 

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Simple Definitions of High Sensitivity, Introvert and Shy

In this blog I talk a lot about being an introvert but also about being highly sensitive and shy. There is a difference between each of these traits though they do overlap quite a bit. I thought I should take some time to explain a little bit about what each of these terms are since they are often lumped together. I also want to share with you personal examples to illustrate what these traits look like in my life. But, before I continue, I want you to know that these are simplified definitions. They are not complete definitions. These traits are quite complex and there is still research that is being done or will be done. But, this is a good starting point for learning about them.

Highly Sensitive –

If you are highly sensitive, it means that you are more aware of your surroundings and you tend to notice subtle differences. I am highly sensitive. (I’m actually all three of these traits, but more of that later.) As I was preparing to start this blog, I was actually wondering if I really am highly sensitive, I took Dr. Elaine Aron’s questionnaire (link here) and thinking that I might, just maybe, have gotten the minimum amount. I found out that I had not only reached the minimum but was quite a bit higher than the minimum. Dr. Elaine Aron has several books you can check out if you want more information on highly sensitive people such as The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.

But for now, here are a few personal examples of high sensitivity in my life:

I am more easily aware of tension in the room, or in other words, I am more aware of others’ emotions. When I am in a crowded place, I can pick up on others’ emotions around me and I can start to feel a little claustrophobic. Crowds are easier when there are a lot of positive emotions going on.

I also have to work harder on cancelling out visual and auditory stimuli. My husband and I joke about me being a Tineye, which is a reference to Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn Trilogy. In Sanderson’s magic system a Tineye is someone whose senses are enhanced. When I am in conversation in a place where there is a lot of noise around me, I have to work hard to tune into what the other person is saying. This has been increasingly difficult for me now that we have two kids and I have to work harder at tuning them out to have a meaningful conversation with others.

Another example of this is when my husband and I went to a new restaurant/gaming place in town. We walked in and immediately I was assaulted with bright lights, loud music and lots of people. We didn’t stay long because it was too overwhelming for me. But, knowing what I do about high sensitivity now has helped me to understand what was making me overwhelmed. We went and ate at Café Rio (Yum!) and since I knew what I was getting myself into, we then went back to play a few games. The games were fun and we enjoyed ourselves but still did not stay long. We were exhausted from all the stimulation. Which leads into my next simple definition.

Introvert –

Introversion is something that is beginning to be more recognized thanks to Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. In it Cain talks about how introversion is more about energy and how lots of stimulation can drain an introvert’s battery. I love this analogy of introversion and batteries. The more stimulated (such as in a large group of people) the introvert is, the more the introverts battery depletes. The introvert than regains that energy by spending time alone. With an extrovert, their battery becomes re-energized through being around people. On the introvert/extrovert spectrum there is also an ambivert which means you are somewhere in the middle of being an introvert and an extrovert.

In my own life, when I am around a lot of people, I reach a point where I get the feeling “I’m done.” That is my cue that it is time to leave. If I don’t then I become irritable and annoyed. I need my time alone to recharge. As an introvert mom, it’s important to know when your battery is low, so that, hopefully, you can take some time to recharge. Though I know that finding the time to recharge can be difficult. For me, as the day goes on, I get more and more depleted until I’m rushing to get the girls to bed at bedtime so I can just relax. My husband is amazing in that he gives me a little bit of space after the girls are in bed so I can recharge before spending quality time with him. It is the same with my 3 year old. After a particularly stimulating social activity, she usually needs some time to read or build with her blocks.

Sometimes with both introverts, and highly-sensitive people, they are seen as being anti-social or that they don’t like people. But, what I love about Susan Cain’s book is that it points out that it is more about stimulation and not about people. It’s not that introverts don’t like people. And that is definitely not the case with me. The things that bring me the most joy are my connections and relationships with others (Click here to read more about this in a previous post). And that is the case for many introverts and highly sensitive people as well. It’s not that we don’t like people, it’s that we just need time to ourselves to recharge.

Shy –

Introverts and highly sensitive people are also often labeled as shy. This is also a misconception. Shyness is a feeling of anxiety around social situations. Not all introverts and/or highly sensitive people have that anxiety. There are also extroverts who are shy.

I am shy. I am not ashamed of it, though life might be easier for me if I wasn't. Social situations, especially when there is small talk involved, makes me really anxious. Luckily I’ve become well-adjusted to this feeling. I still feel shy and still at times it does hold me back, but mostly I’m able to acknowledge it and push past my anxiety. I personally believe that those who are shy can become some of the most courageous people because they are able to constantly stare their fear in the face and move through it to become amazing people. If you have a shy child, don’t expect that they’ll just grow out of it. There are some who do, but not all. I didn’t. Instead teach them to face their fears, to understand that it is okay to be afraid. And to understand that through allowing themselves to take a leap of faith in themselves, that they will be able to become someone amazing. In a later post, I will talk more about my journey with shyness. If you are interested in this and other new posts from me, subscribe to our mailing list.

I hope that these explanations of mine help you gain a greater understanding, whether of yourself, or of someone you love. Remember, that these are not complete definitions, especially since some of the misconceptions about each of these things are barely being understood. Also each person is different and may experience varying levels of each of these traits. I hope though, that I’ve given you at least a little insight into these traits and the differences in them.

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3 Things That Make Me Happy As An Introvert (That Involves Others)

I wanted to focus on this topic because I feel that when it comes to introverts, people tend to focus a lot on how we need alone time, which is true. I don’t want to discredit that in any way because it is true and is important for understanding introverts more. Lately I’ve seen a lot of funny quotes and cartoons about this very thing. But in midst of all the humor of introverts needing time alone to recharge, we can overlook how introverts still need others as well. We can start to use alone time as an excuse to shut others out, or as an excuse to not step outside our comfort zone. But when we start to use that as an excuse, we also diminish our own happiness. The connections that we make with others, as long as done with boundaries, can help us to be happy. So, these are the 3 things that make me the most happy, and perhaps strangely, they all involve other people.

1.       My Family

These are the people I am closest too. I love my husband so much and he bring me happiness. He gives me support at times when I need it the most and he uplifts and inspires me. He helps me to understand that I am not alone in my thoughts and views.

My daughters are my little dreams. I love being able to see them grow, learning new things each day. When I see them achieve something new, especially something that has been hard for them, I rejoice. These connections that I have with my family are special. They bring me greater understanding into who I am as a person. I don’t think I can completely describe why they bring me so much joy. The connection itself is part of the happiness but seeing them grow is truly an amazing thing. They just grow too quickly for me. J

Recently, I got to see my 3 yr old, take a step forward in something we’ve been working on. She has been in a rotating co-op preschool since September and she has not said anything at preschool. I picked her up from her preschool and she got in the car. It usually takes her a little bit to start talking about what happened with Preschool. She needs that time alone to process all the information and things that happened. But, on this particular day she was proud of herself. I was pulling out of the driveway of the house where she had preschool, when she said, “I talked at Preschool today. But, only a little bit.” I was ecstatic. This was the first time she ever talked at Preschool. It has been months, and this is the first time, so this was a big deal. And I let her know I was so proud of her. I sang the “Proud of You” song from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, my mom sings it anytime we celebrate any achievement. This was an achievement for my Lil Bug, so I continued in the tradition.

Seeing someone you love accomplish something that was difficult for them is not only inspiring but brings so much joy. This kind of joy can only come from having a relationship with someone.

2.       My Friends

There are those with who we just connect with instantly and also those with whom it takes a little longer to connect with but when we do connect with them the connection is strong. These are the people who help us to feel like they understand us, they just “get” us. We feel validated in some way because they understand who we are. But, we all grow and change and so it is important for us to continue to make friends. I may not be friends with everyone I meet, and also there are friends who I am not that close too, but there are others that when I am with them, we connect on a deep level. Those deep connections actually energize me, in a way. It’s draining for me when there are lots of people around with no meaningful connections, or like in the case of my family where I do have deep connections with them, it can be draining when it’s a constant, seemingly never-ending connection. That’s when I need alone time to recharge. But when we connect on a deep level for the right amount of time it can be emotionally satisfying.

As an introvert I tend to have fewer friends, but the friends that I do have, are relationships that impact me greatly and make a lasting impression. My friends, Lisa and Megan, are two wonderful examples of this. I have been friends with them since I was 3 and 4. I love them and I continue to be friends with them, even after all these years. Lasting friendships are beautiful. 

3.       Helping Others

There really is something about helping others that helps us as well. It’s a win-win situation. Being able to help someone out and then seeing them be happy because of the help is a beautiful thing. But, there is also a feeling of peace that comes when you help someone without them even knowing. The more you give, the more you receive is true, in the sense that you can feel more at peace. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to interacting with others. When I help someone else, I still feel that anxiety just before (and sometimes the whole time) I interact with them. I still do it even with the anxiety, because I deeply believe that everyone deserves kindness. Sometimes I never see those people again, and sometimes I do. I’ll still be anxious about the connection either way, but after I’ve done what I can to help them I’m always grateful that I had the opportunity to do something for them. I’m always thankful that I stepped outside my comfort zone to do something for another. I’m not the only one in the world and I am thankful for that.

My connections with others are deeply important to me. Introverts tend to have less friends, but the friends that they do have are on a rich, deep level. And those relationships bring us joy. So, when I talk about being an introvert, I don’t always want to focus on the misconception that all introverts don’t want to be around people. Because the truth is, I do like people. And yes, I do still need my alone time, but that alone time wouldn’t be enough to make me happy if I did not have relationships with others.

I Hope You Fly: A Letter From An Introvert Mother

My dear daughters, 

So often when I reach the beginning of something I worry about falling. I think this each time I need to take a leap of faith, whether in myself or whether in my trust of others. I worry that I will make a mistake. I hope you understand that while you may make a mistake, it will not define you.

Sometimes those mistakes may be not taking that leap of faith. There have been times when I have held back, but, in those times when I have held back, I didn’t fly either.

I know what it is like to be afraid. To not want to step outside my comfort zone. To say hi to people I don't know. But, I want you to know, that I have grown from those times when I pushed past my fears and did what I knew was right and what I knew would make me happy.

I’m not referring to pushing yourself to be what everyone else thinks you should be. If it is not something that will make you happy in the end, you don’t have to do it. Understanding what will make you truly happy is what will help you to fly.

So, my beautiful girls, there will be times when you will be anxious, there will be times when you will feel like you will fall if you move forward. But, I want you to know that if you take that leap, you might very well fly. And if you continue to leap, you will fly.

Some may call you shy, some may call you sensitive, but I want you to know that those very things also give you strength. Those strengths will help you to understand your fears, and to face them. Not only face them, but overcome them.

There will be times that will be difficult, that strength may be hard to find and that you may not see it within yourself. But, it is there. The Lord is always there to help you find that strength. Trust in Him and believe in yourself.

Oh, my dear daughters, I hope you grow up stepping outside your comfort zone in order to fly. I hope that you take the strengths that you have and use them to bless the lives of others as well as your own. I hope that you won’t get caught up on what the world may see as weaknesses but that you’ll understand your weaknesses and then see the strengths within them.

I hope that you fly.

Whatever you are going through, wherever you may be in your life, whether you are ready to fly or not, know that you can succeed. Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that you can fly.

I love you, Mom.