Heartache and My Struggle to Reconnect

I really struggled with writing this post. I mean REALLY struggled with it. This is a post about one of the most difficult trials of my life and it still affects me deeply, in some way it probably always will. I hope that by writing this though that you too can see that reconnecting with others is possible. If you aren't an introvert but you love someone who is, I hope that through reading this you come to understand that trials and stressful situations cause introverts to need even more time by themselves to recharge in order to handle the situation they're facing. Connecting as a highly sensitive introvert who is also shy is difficult enough for me, but after going through a difficult trial and depression, it was even harder for me to connect. I am still working on reconnecting and reaching out. Sharing this is part of the process.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom. I remember how much I enjoyed being a “mom” to my dolls and stuffed animals. I made sure I tucked each one in comfortably at night. As I grew older, I knew it would be some time before I would become a mom and I also knew that the Lord might have other plans for me. So, I put that desire aside. After earning my bachelor’s degree in psychology, I married a wonderful man. Together we planned to have a child. Yet, it didn’t happen right away. After a couple of years we began to worry and started to look into infertility treatments. 

Then, I got pregnant.

We were so thrilled. We quickly let our parents know. We planned it out, coming up with a cute way to let each of our parents know. We went to our first ultrasound appointment both anxious and excited. Seeing the little heart beating on the ultrasound was so unreal to me. It was beautiful. I fell in love with that little baby inside of me. 

I was getting close to the end of the first trimester when the bleeding began, just a little bit, but enough to scare me. I went in for an ultrasound. We expressed our concern, but the nurse was not concerned. It was not uncommon for spotting to occur in the first trimester. We started the ultrasound. 

There was no heart beating. 

The nurse went to get the OBGYN, but I knew, I would not be able to hold my baby. The doctor came in and my husband held me as it was confirmed that we had lost the baby. A chromosomal abnormality we were told. I had no control over it. Nothing that I could do to keep it from happening again.

One thing that I learned from this experience is that I really don’t like statistics. Apparently, it’s fairly common for someone to get pregnant again within a year after a miscarriage. But, it didn’t happen for me. I wasn’t even sure if I could get pregnant again. It seemed that it was just some fluke that I got pregnant in the first place. Each month would bring a new heartbreak, every month reminded me of the child that I had lost. Every month. I closed myself off. I went into my introvert shell. I went through the motions with my closest friends and family. But, I didn’t reach out. I didn’t seek connection either. Only my husband really knew what I was really going through. He was my constant support, though it tore him apart to see what this trial did to me, all the while dealing with his own pain from it. We turned toward each other and supported each other. Looking back, I am so thankful that this trial strengthened our relationship rather than destroyed it. 

As time passed, we became unsure what to do. We tried some infertility treatments, but they did not work. I hated the uncertainty of knowing whether or not anything would work. We more seriously started to consider adoption. When we came to a decision to adopt we called up an adoption agency and were told that they were no longer servicing our area. That derailed us a bit. We decided to wait a little longer. 

Then I received some amazing and almost unbelievable news. I was pregnant. Neither my husband nor I could really believe it. We talked with the OBGYN that we were seeing for infertility and told her of our anxiety around the pregnancy. We were worried that we would lose this child as well. She understood. We had ultrasounds more often than usual to make sure that things were progressing normally and once we were in a safer point in the pregnancy, I started to see my usual OBGYN. We took our time letting others know this time, having learned from our previous experience. But, when we found out that we were having a girl, we finally let everyone know the amazing news. 

I was beyond joyful with each step in the pregnancy. But, I was also really anxious, neurotic even. If there was even a chance that something wasn’t good for the baby, I stayed away from it. Even though the miscarriage that I had had wasn’t caused by anything I did, I sure wasn’t going to do anything that might cause a miscarriage. When I felt the fluttering that comes with the first few kicks, my joy was great. Yet, even then I still worried, constantly looking for movement. For me, pregnancy was long because of the fear that I felt that I would lose my little girl.

After a long, 32 hour labor, Lil Bug was born. I could not help the tears that came to my eyes as I finally held her in my arms. I’ll never forget that night in the hospital as I held her in my arms and told her about all the people who love her. 

You would think that now that I had a child of my own, that my dream had been realized that I would start to reach out again. That I wouldn’t keep going through the motions. But, even though my dream had come true I still didn’t come out of my introvert shell to connect with others. I still kept my friends at a distance and I still did not make a huge effort to make new friends.  

I feel that there are two main reasons for why I didn’t try to reach out. The first reason being that I still felt deeply the pain from the miscarriage and heartache we went through with infertility. Here’s the thing about many highly sensitive introverts. We feel emotions on a really deep level. It is easy for us to feel what others are feeling too. Because of this it was hard for me to be around others. To feel their emotions, whether positive or negative. I was too emotionally stimulated with my own emotions to be around others. 

The other aspect of what has been keeping me back is the aspect of introversion. As a new mom, my introvert battery was constantly drained. I was constantly putting my little baby first before myself. This combined with lack of sleep left me not having enough energy to reach out and connect with anyone. It got better after my Lil Bug started sleeping through the night. Things became more routine and I was able to have more moments to recharge. Yet, by the end of the day, I just did not have the extra energy to reach out and connect with anyone outside of my little family.

For the time being though, I was okay with that. It was difficult at times as I was often on the edge of burn out (sometimes passed that) but I still enjoyed being a mother and a wife more than anything. I loved my family and they still mean so much to me. They are my greatest joy. The pain in the past made having my daughter that much sweeter and I still relish in the joy of having her every single day. I still feel pain when I think of the baby I lost. Yet, I feel that it is harder for me to take my daughters for granted because of the loss that I did have. 

I say daughters, plural, because we have since had another precious little girl. My husband and I were blessed to not have to wait as long for another child. She is our Lil Sunshine, so full of life and joy. But, with Lil Sunshine I struggled with depression when she was a newborn. My battery had run dry. I was breaking down because I was giving my all to those I loved most. And though I cherished my Lil Sunshine, I struggled. The things that kept me going during this time was support from family and my faith in God. My love for my family also kept me going because I knew that they needed me and so I kept going, but I broke down a lot.

Interestingly enough, this was also where I started to turn around. I realized that I needed to make a change. My husband and I came up with a plan for me to have some time to myself each morning. He watched the girls before he left for work and I would go on a walk/run. It was so freeing. It wasn’t much time but it was just the right amount of time to get charged for the day. By having just this little amount of time each day, I was then able to think of ways I can recharge throughout the day and still have rich, meaningful moments with my two little girls. And I found myself enjoying the beauty of simple things again (like the rain). 

As I went on my walks, I started listening to Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, “Happier with Gretchen Rubin.” I enjoyed her book, The Happiness Project and so I was excited to find out she had a podcast. I began applying tips from the podcast, working on improving myself. As I worked on improving myself, I began to desire to reach out more to others. I let that desire work within me. It was still some time before I reached the point that I could connect with new people or reconnect with others, but if you let the desire work in you it will eventually lead to action.

I began to focus more on my older daughter and how she was a bit different from some of the others kids around her age. I learned more about her high sensitivities and introvert tendencies. As I did so, I learned more about myself. That knowledge, combined with the desire to reach out and connect with others, has led me to this blog. I want to share what I have learned and what I am continuing to learn as I raise these darling girls to be well adjusted adults who understand that the traits within them are strengths, who understand that they can be themselves, love who they are, and thrive.

4 things I’ve Learned About Being A Highly Sensitive Introvert Through Raising One

There have been several times that my mom has made the comment how I was just like my daughter when I was younger. What’s funny, is that she is not just so much like me when I was younger, she is so much like me right now. Even though I am an adult now, I am still very similar to my little highly sensitive introvert daughter. I am constantly trying to learn how to help her deal with situations that she has come across in her life so far. In turn I have come to realize that the things that she is learning can also help me. Some of these things might apply to you and/or your child but since no two people are exactly alike there may still be differences. Here are the four things that I've learned about myself through raising my daughter:

1.       Highly Sensitive to Emotions

Since realizing that my 3 yr. old daughter is highly sensitive, I’ve started to realize just how much I am as well. See previous post for info on high sensitivity. There are a lot of introverts who are highly sensitive. I’ve known I was an introvert for a while but I am only recently realized that I am also highly sensitive. hsperson.com has a great quiz for determining the possibility of whether you or your child is a highly sensitive person.

One of the things that I see as a strength of many people with high sensitivity is their ability to understand others’ emotions. They have a greater capacity for having empathy. With a mom who is also a Licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve had several discussion with her about being in crowds and how I feel anxious at times being in a crowd. We’ve discussed possible reasons for this, one of which is our ability to feel others’ emotions. I never realized this could partly be because of high sensitivity. When I am with a group of people who are feeling mixed emotions, especially emotions that are negative, I start to feel those emotions too. This is something to consider if you or your child is highly sensitive and responding to being around a group of people.

I do want to take a moment to point out that they could also be overwhelmed by all the other types of stimulation that they are experiencing, not just emotions. But it is common for highly sensitive people to pick up on others’ emotions more easily. Highly sensitive people who understand this gift can make a great impact on other people because it allows them to sit with others in their pain and help others to feel understood. However, this strength also has the weakness of overwhelm. In my case, sometimes I just need to be alone so that I can recover from the range of emotions that I have felt throughout the day. If we don’t take time to restore ourselves it can be detrimental to both ourselves and those that we are around.

I think this can especially be seen in parenting. The more heightened the parents’ emotions or stress, the more heightened the kids’ stress and emotions, and the more they respond to those emotions. When you put a highly sensitive kid with a highly sensitive parent and both are stressed, things can spiral out of control quickly. While Lil Bug is quick to comfort me when I’m sad, she is also quick (and I mean quick) to raise her voice when she gets frustrated and it’s the same for me. This is one of my greatest difficulties in raising her because tension between us can escalate really, really quickly.

After Preschool today, Lil Bug was something else. We got home and every little thing that her little sister did, she flipped out about, and I mean flipped out, screaming and throwing a tantrum on the floor. Now part of this was also about her need for space to recharge her introvert battery but the other part that caused things to escalate quickly was that she REALLY and DEEPLY felt every emotion she was feeling. And on my end, I wasn’t much better as my patience with her outbursts really ran out quick. But when I realized what was happening, I gave her a hug and held her until we were both able to calm down and discuss what happened while she sat on my lap, cuddled against me.

Knowledge is the most important thing here, because when I understand what is happening then I can make the conscious effort to calm down. Now that I know about mine and my daughter’s highly sensitive tendencies, I am quicker to realize what is going on. I can also understand her better, because I can sense what she is feeling. Likewise if we can teach our highly sensitive kids that their ability to sense emotions is a good thing and teach them how to cope with that ability they can be a positive force for good.

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2.       I Need Time to Myself

Another thing that I’ve learned since being a mom to Lil Bug is how much I need time to myself. While I always knew that I was an introvert I never really knew what that meant until I started reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. While reading that I realized how essential it was to have some alone time to gain back my energy and essentially be more like my true self. With Lil Bug I’ve noticed that she needs time to herself as well, otherwise she is more prone to being REALLY frustrated and upset. However, when she has time to play by herself, read her books, or play with her blocks, she is a lot more easy going and able to roll with things a little more.

3.       Reluctance to do new things

I used to think that I was willing to try new things, and at times I am, but I have realized, since being a mom, that most of the time when the opportunity to try something new comes, I often  choose to do something I am familiar with instead. A classic example is going to a restaurant. My husband and I 9/10 times choose to go to a restaurant that we have been to before. When I look over the menu, I take my time. I consider all of my options and I find several things that sound good to me but in the end I choose something that I’ve had before. This happens at least 90% of the time. I choose to not take the risk. It’s not that I’m not being courageous. It is more that I consider all my options and then decide if I really want something new. In a way, when an introvert does this, and they choose what they really want, they are being courageous, whether or not it’s familiar. But, this can only be determined with careful consideration.

My Lil Bug is the type of person who will observe, observe, observe, and then maybe she will do something, as long as no one else is around. She will more often choose not to do something unless she is familiar with it. As I was thinking about Lil Bug and how much she observes to the point of familiarity the other day. Then it came to me, I realized that I am the same way. It was like a lightning bulb went off in my head. I learn, learn, learn and then maybe do. I LOVE learning. But, part of the fulfillment in learning is applying. This is why starting this blog was a big step for me. I was acting and not only was I acting but I knew that I still had a lot to learn, so I took a leap of faith, and decided to create my blog and start scheduling posts. I didn’t know where it would go, I didn’t know how to attract people to my blog, and I still don’t know. But, I decided to go for it anyway. I realized that I could learn as I go in some things. I also realized that sometimes we learn best by doing. 

4.       Prefer a Plan

When Lil Bug experiences something new it is best when I tell her what she can expect. Sometimes knowing ahead of time that she will be experiencing something new makes her anxious, but even then I have noticed that she adapts so much better to the idea when she is prepared.

One experience that we had recently was when Lil Bug’s preschool went on a field trip. I started preparing her ahead of time that I would not be joining her on this particular field trip. She was nervous about it, but when I reassured her that everyone from preschool would be there too, she seemed comforted about it. When I dropped her off, she didn’t fight me on it or beg me to stay. She went on her field trip. When I picked her up, she had a huge smile on her face. Later on I showed her the pictures from the field trip that her teacher had taken. She enjoyed looking at them and enjoyed remembering the experience, telling me a little bit about it.

Before I do anything, I like to know what I am getting myself into. I like to have a plan. The same is true when it comes to vacations. My husband is the opposite of me when it comes to vacations. He likes to relax and not worry about having a plan and stressing about doing everything while on vacation. I’ve come to realize that he is right in this case. I shouldn’t be so stressed about sticking to a schedule on vacation, I should relax more. When it is just our little family, it is easier for me to go with the flow. However, when it comes to going on vacation where we are with others, I worry more about what is going to happen and what the plan will be. I am more concerned with making sure everyone is enjoying themselves. And people can be unpredictable at times. There is always a sense of unknown, even with a plan, but when I really don’t know what to expect, my anxiety heightens. If I know what I am getting myself into, then I can prepare myself, at least a little, for what is to come.

It really amazes me just how much we can learn from our kids. Sometimes its something cute and small that may not have much significance in the long run, but at other times our kids can teach us some deep and profound things. I never realized how much I could learn about myself from raising kids. My Lil Bug has already taught me so much and she’s only 3! But, these 4 things are extremely important for me and my relationship with her. Knowing these things helps me to better understand what to do to prepare myself for the unknown future. These things also help me to be a better mom as I come to understand my little girl a bit more. I hope that the similarities that I have with her will also help me understand her on a deeper and more empathic level.

My Journey With Shyness

Not all introverts are shy. Not all highly sensitive introverts are shy either. Shyness is, to put it simply, anxiety in social situations and while there may be a correlation at times with introverts and highly sensitive people, it does not mean that if you are an introvert and or highly sensitive that you are also shy. I talk more about the differences between these three things here (Simple Definitions of High Sensitivity, Introvert, and Shy).

I am shy though. I have been since I was a child. I probably will continue to be shy throughout my life. I have not grown out of it, though some people do. And I do not think that I will grow out of it though if I did, then parts of my life might be a little bit easier. 

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had with my shyness though. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t shy, but I also would not have become the person I am today if I had not been shy in the first place. I am cautious by nature but my shyness is more than that. It is anxiety in social situations. 

My parents, knowing that I was shy, decided that they would put me in a Montessori kindergarten. They wanted me to be in a school environment where I was not looked down on for my shyness and where I could learn and grow in a place that accepted who I was and focused on how I could learn. My parents found such a school. I am thankful for it and I have several fond memories from it. In fact, I ONLY have fond memories from it.

I did not talk at school. My teachers probably questioned at times if I could even talk. Then one day, one of my teachers walked into the room I was in and heard me talking to the school’s cat. Yep, that’s me. Talking to a cat. Not to my teacher. At some point I felt comfortable enough to start talking to my teachers and to the others kids at the school. 

From then on, the first day of school was always nerve racking for me. I didn’t know who would be in my class, what to expect about my teacher, or what we would be learning that year. I enjoyed school though, I enjoyed being with my friends, I had good teachers. And I talked. But, I also had my own solitude at home to recharge.

When I was twelve, I was asked to speak in front of a large group of about 100-150 people. I had the option of saying no, but instead I said, “Yes.” With my heart pounding, I sat at the front of the group waiting for my turn to speak. When it was my turn, I could not open my mouth to speak. Fear paralyzed me, I turned and sat down. Luckily it was a large group of people who were familiar with who I was and with my family. There are three things that I’ve gained from this experience: 

1. Determination – I was determined that that would not happen to me again. The next time I was given the chance to speak to the same group, I did. I was still extremely anxious about it, but I did it. And I felt so accomplished after I did. I pushed through the fear and felt good about my efforts. 
2. I Can Succeed – It taught me that I was capable of doing something that I had failed at before. One of the amazing things about success, is that it usually comes with trial and error. It is also much sweeter after the bitterness of failure. Because of the determination that I had from this experience it taught me that I could do it. I hope that this experience can show others with shyness that they too can push past their fear and succeed, even if there have been failures in the past. I hope my daughter understands this as she too struggles to speak to her peers. She is capable, she just needs to believe it.
3. Understanding – Now whenever I hear a youth speak in front of a large group, I am amazed at what they are accomplishing. Many people have the fear of public speaking, whether extrovert, introvert or shy, it is a valid fear. And when I see anyone overcome that fear, I am proud of them. I am honored to know them. As a leader in our church’s youth program, there are times that the youth tell me about their experience of speaking in front of groups of people. They are usually concerned with how they did and I tell them they did great. I usually try to tell them why as well, giving specifics, but I also tell them about my first time. Because, if they spoke, they did better than my first time. So, my experience as a 12 yr. old, has taught me greater understanding for those who are also afraid to speak up.

When I as in high school I was enrolled in a class that pretty much focused on success. I had an amazing teacher who cared about his students. He pushed us to succeed, but did it in a way that made it feel that it was possible to succeed. Also in this class there was a lot of work that was done in groups as well as class presentations. Both of these things brought me anxiety, but my teacher was understanding, supportive and inspiring. He helped me see some of my strengths, in fact he focused on the positive mostly, while still being able to instruct on ways we could improve. When I look back now, the comments that I remember were positive even though I know that he gave constructive criticism as well. When I was 15, my younger brother passed away. I remember giving one of my presentations after this and being really emotional as I shared an experience I had had with my younger brother. I paused to gain control of myself before continuing on. I remember the comment that my teacher gave, as he pointed out a strength in being able to recognize the need to pause, being okay with it and gaining the control that I needed to continue in my presentation. He did well at guiding me because he did it in a way that showed that he cared.

After high school and a few years into college, I decided to serve a mission for my church. This was a big step for me and a huge decision. The idea that I would talk to strangers every day about something that was so important to me, terrified me. That is also what terrifies me about writing this blog, I am sharing experiences and thoughts that are important to me. To be vulnerable in such a way, scares me. Yet, as I have now come to see, being willing to be vulnerable is courage. Brené Brown describes this so well in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” Sharing the things that are close to my heart is not comfortable for me, but moving past the uncomfortable is a strength.

I decided to be courageous and share something close to my heart with people I didn’t know. I went on a mission. I went to a place where I would be giving tours of a church historical site. I would at times have to give tours of over 25 people at a time, or just one. It was actually the tours of just one or a small number that terrified me more. My shyness kicking in. I actually changed at some point after my experience as a 12 yr. old and started to enjoy public speaking. That’s not to say that it didn’t still terrify me, but when I started to speak that fear would leave. It’s the smaller groups that scared me more, because I was more likely to make a connection, and I was more likely to get hurt. But I continued and persisted in talking to people both one on one and in large groups. My anxiety of opening myself up to total strangers did not leave but I became better able to deal with that anxiety. I conditioned my body to push through the initial fear and I was happier because of my ability to better deal with it. And the connections that I made were priceless. I do not regret the decision I made to step outside of my comfort zone. I am thankful for the many amazing and beautiful experiences that I had for that year and a half.

As mentioned earlier I am a leader of the youth in my church congregation. I teach the 12-13 young women and I am so thankful for this opportunity. I still am scared and anxious, I still shake with fear, and my heart still pounds. But as soon as I open my mouth to speak it goes away. The more I get to know these young women the more comfortable I am around them. It gets easier the more I know someone, but it still gets difficult whenever I dive deeper into a friendship, opening up myself so that others see a part of me that I would not normally let them see.

I never grew out of my shyness. It is still there. It still exists, while it may be true that some do outgrow their shyness, not everyone does. I think that there is a stigma that “oh she’ll just grow out of it” but the truth is, I didn’t grow out of it. I am still shy. But, I’ve learned to live with it. I came to understand that I was shy and to not use it as an excuse to not live my life. In fact I became determined that I would not let it rule my life. I face the feeling and move through it. I am still not perfect at this, I still often don’t do things out of anxiety, I still often keep myself at a distance from most, and I still am not the best at keeping in contact with others because of the anxiety I feel. But, I do not let it keep me from living my life.

In some ways, I’ve come to see, that those who are shy but continue to live, are some of the most courageous people I know. They are constantly stepping outside their comfort zone. And they are rewarded for doing it.

So, my hope in writing this is that those of you who are shy will see that you are capable of living your lives. Your life can be full and rich. You are able to succeed.

Shyness is not an excuse. It is a tool that helps those of us who are shy to understand our anxiety. Once we understand this we can push through our fear and succeed. Yes, there will be times that we will fail, but failure is part of the learning process to success. We use failure to become more determined to succeed the next time. When we learn why we failed, we apply what we learned and we become better for it.

While we, who are shy, should not see our shyness as an excuse it is also important that others understand that the struggle with shyness is real. It is not something easily overcome and for many, it continues to be a struggle. But it is possible to live a full, happy, and connected life as someone who struggles with shyness.

My other hope is that if you are the parent of a shy child that you can see their potential. That you teach them that they can push through their fears and anxiety and succeed. I hope that at the same time you don't blame them when they fail. It is hard. But, continue to inspire hope in them. Share with them my story, how I live a full, connected life. Share with them others' stories that you have heard. If you struggle with shyness, be an example, share your story. I hope that you teach them that failure is not the end but part of the path to success. And I hope that you teach them with love.

Just a quick note: There are more severe forms of social anxiety. Professional counseling may be beneficial in these cases.

 

What High Sensitivity, an Introvert and/or Shyness May Look Like in a Young Child

My last post was on the simple definitions of being Highly Sensitive as well as Introvert and Shy. (Link Here) In it I shared with you examples of how each of those things look in my life. When looking at a young child though, it is not always easy to tell what is going on with them. Because of this I thought I would share with you examples of my daughter and how each of these traits manifest in her. Just a reminder though that while these traits overlap in some ways a person who has one trait may not have all three.

High Sensitivity – High Sensitivity means a child is more responsive to stimuli. Also highly sensitive children think and feel more deeply. When my Lil Bug was a baby she did not sleep well. In fact, we still struggle with this with her. But, as a baby, in order for her to sleep well she needed a completely dark room and a sound machine to drown out all sound. We needed to make her room the least stimulating as possible. When we were at church, she would sit and just watch everyone. I received comments from people how they had never seen a baby look so attentive. It’s not so much that she was listening to everything the speaker was saying, but she was taking in all the stimuli around her. Now that she is older, when we go to the zoo or another crowded place, she’s quiet again, taking everything in around her. 

Introvert – Introversion is about how we gain and lose energy. Recently with my 20 month old we were at a friend’s house, it was a new environment for her. Within an hour she was tired. It was still a few hours until her nap time, but she was irritable and rubbing her eyes. She was acting like she was ready for nap and she wanted to leave. When we got back to familiarity, she was back to her active and energetic self. In the case of my 3 yr. old, when she gets back from a social event such as her preschool, she is often very irritable and in need of some time to be by herself or to just cuddle with me.

Shyness – Shyness, when defined simply, is social anxiety. Lil Bug is now 3. She only has a few weeks left of Preschool and as far as I know she has only talked once. It makes her anxious to think about saying hi to the other 5 kids in her preschool class. She’ll talk in front of them, only if I am the one teaching that week. When this happens it is her whispering to me. In her Sunday school class she was asked to say a prayer. This is what I was told about the experience. Lil Bug agreed (probably by nodding) and stood up. There was silence and then everyone said, “Amen.” She was so proud of herself and we were proud of her. She was willing to try and stood up. How thankful I am for a teacher who understood her and didn’t force the issue when it wasn’t needed.

I hope that these experiences give you a little insight into what high sensitivity, being an introvert, or shyness may look like in your child. There are different levels of each of these and one child may experience them more or less deeply depending on the situation and the child itself. It is also possible that your child is just going through a phase but if your child is continually showing one of these traits then I hope that the examples that I have shared have been helpful. I will continue in future blog posts to talk about how each of these things affects my life and the lives of my daughters. I hope that you will continue in this journey with me. 

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3 Things That Make Me Happy As An Introvert (That Involves Others)

I wanted to focus on this topic because I feel that when it comes to introverts, people tend to focus a lot on how we need alone time, which is true. I don’t want to discredit that in any way because it is true and is important for understanding introverts more. Lately I’ve seen a lot of funny quotes and cartoons about this very thing. But in midst of all the humor of introverts needing time alone to recharge, we can overlook how introverts still need others as well. We can start to use alone time as an excuse to shut others out, or as an excuse to not step outside our comfort zone. But when we start to use that as an excuse, we also diminish our own happiness. The connections that we make with others, as long as done with boundaries, can help us to be happy. So, these are the 3 things that make me the most happy, and perhaps strangely, they all involve other people.

1.       My Family

These are the people I am closest too. I love my husband so much and he bring me happiness. He gives me support at times when I need it the most and he uplifts and inspires me. He helps me to understand that I am not alone in my thoughts and views.

My daughters are my little dreams. I love being able to see them grow, learning new things each day. When I see them achieve something new, especially something that has been hard for them, I rejoice. These connections that I have with my family are special. They bring me greater understanding into who I am as a person. I don’t think I can completely describe why they bring me so much joy. The connection itself is part of the happiness but seeing them grow is truly an amazing thing. They just grow too quickly for me. J

Recently, I got to see my 3 yr old, take a step forward in something we’ve been working on. She has been in a rotating co-op preschool since September and she has not said anything at preschool. I picked her up from her preschool and she got in the car. It usually takes her a little bit to start talking about what happened with Preschool. She needs that time alone to process all the information and things that happened. But, on this particular day she was proud of herself. I was pulling out of the driveway of the house where she had preschool, when she said, “I talked at Preschool today. But, only a little bit.” I was ecstatic. This was the first time she ever talked at Preschool. It has been months, and this is the first time, so this was a big deal. And I let her know I was so proud of her. I sang the “Proud of You” song from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, my mom sings it anytime we celebrate any achievement. This was an achievement for my Lil Bug, so I continued in the tradition.

Seeing someone you love accomplish something that was difficult for them is not only inspiring but brings so much joy. This kind of joy can only come from having a relationship with someone.

2.       My Friends

There are those with who we just connect with instantly and also those with whom it takes a little longer to connect with but when we do connect with them the connection is strong. These are the people who help us to feel like they understand us, they just “get” us. We feel validated in some way because they understand who we are. But, we all grow and change and so it is important for us to continue to make friends. I may not be friends with everyone I meet, and also there are friends who I am not that close too, but there are others that when I am with them, we connect on a deep level. Those deep connections actually energize me, in a way. It’s draining for me when there are lots of people around with no meaningful connections, or like in the case of my family where I do have deep connections with them, it can be draining when it’s a constant, seemingly never-ending connection. That’s when I need alone time to recharge. But when we connect on a deep level for the right amount of time it can be emotionally satisfying.

As an introvert I tend to have fewer friends, but the friends that I do have, are relationships that impact me greatly and make a lasting impression. My friends, Lisa and Megan, are two wonderful examples of this. I have been friends with them since I was 3 and 4. I love them and I continue to be friends with them, even after all these years. Lasting friendships are beautiful. 

3.       Helping Others

There really is something about helping others that helps us as well. It’s a win-win situation. Being able to help someone out and then seeing them be happy because of the help is a beautiful thing. But, there is also a feeling of peace that comes when you help someone without them even knowing. The more you give, the more you receive is true, in the sense that you can feel more at peace. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to interacting with others. When I help someone else, I still feel that anxiety just before (and sometimes the whole time) I interact with them. I still do it even with the anxiety, because I deeply believe that everyone deserves kindness. Sometimes I never see those people again, and sometimes I do. I’ll still be anxious about the connection either way, but after I’ve done what I can to help them I’m always grateful that I had the opportunity to do something for them. I’m always thankful that I stepped outside my comfort zone to do something for another. I’m not the only one in the world and I am thankful for that.

My connections with others are deeply important to me. Introverts tend to have less friends, but the friends that they do have are on a rich, deep level. And those relationships bring us joy. So, when I talk about being an introvert, I don’t always want to focus on the misconception that all introverts don’t want to be around people. Because the truth is, I do like people. And yes, I do still need my alone time, but that alone time wouldn’t be enough to make me happy if I did not have relationships with others.