Helping Your Introvert Child to Try a New Experience

Last summer I took my 3 yr. old to a birthday party. While all the other kids ran around and went up and down the slide, my daughter watched, and watched, and watched. At one point she moved closer to the side but would not go much farther without me by her side. 

I remember making the remark to one of the other moms there that Lil Bug observes, observes, observes, and then maybe she’ll participate. And then if she did participate it would be if there was no one in close proximity of her, other than myself. She did climb up the small ladder to the slide, but as another child came up behind her she decided she didn’t want to go down the slide. There were still too many people around her she was not as familiar with. After a year of growth, she’s a little quicker to act in between bouts of people. Yet, she still takes her time and observes more than participates.

I share this experience because I want you parents with highly sensitive and/or introvert children to know that you are not alone.

Before I realized my daughter was a highly sensitive introvert, I wondered if anyone else had a child who wouldn’t participate in activities because they preferred to watch. I wondered what those other parents did to help their child start to interact with the world. Even with family Lil Bug would take some time, every time, to warm up to them. Even the ones that live in town. She now runs to my sister, her aunt, when she sees her. But, a year ago, that was rare.

Even before this experience from last year, I came across www.quietrev.com and remembered the book that I had from Susan Cain (Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking). I dived back into that book and read articles on quietrev.com. I also came across the Quiet Revolution's parenting class (not an affiliate of Quiet Rev) and took the class online. It was freeing. I finally realized that there were others similar to my child. The examples used in the class described my Lil Bug so well. I saw myself in the parents and felt I was not alone. That affirmation that I was not alone was the best thing that I gained from the class. In the class though there is also a great tool for determining when you should push your child to step outside of their comfort zone and the examples teach useful tips for helping your child. 

One of the things that really stood out to me was the Long Runway that Susan Cain talks about in the class. She also talks about it on her podcast. (Click here to check it out) It seems to me that it’s an introvert thing to observe, observe, observe and then take flight. I also realized that I do that myself. Before I start a new venture, I always learn, learn, learn, until my brain just can’t take any more learning and I finally have to take a leap of faith and do it. I soak in as much as I can until my brain is completely saturated and I either need to act or decide that it is not for me. 

It is an introvert’s strength to ponder deeply and learn before acting. In Cain's book "Quiet" there is a great chapter on how there are evolutionary reasons behind this ability to think before acting. So, know that you are not alone in raising a child who will observe, sometimes more than you would like, before acting, if acting at all. It is good to be cautious and it is good to ponder deeply.

But, there still needs to be a balance. Help your child (and yourself if you’re the same) to understand what that balance is for them. One key thing to know is that we can learn so much more when we apply what we’ve learned and we can also learn so much more through experience. The same is true for our children.

So, at some point we need to step out. We need to take a leap of faith. Learn and observe, yes, but then apply. If you can benefit from it then definitely do it. Face your fear. And help your child do the same.

There will come a point that you’ll need to push your child, just a bit, out of their comfort zone. Above all though, know your priorities and think if the situation is right for pushing your child to make a step forward. 

Here are a few tips for helping your child try new experiences:

1.  Understanding

The first thing is the understanding that it may take some time for your child to go down that runway. Understanding that helps you to have the patience to help your child. It also helps your child to know that they are loved and that you are there to help them should the need arise.

2.    Preparation

Prepare your child. Help them to understand what is coming. The more I know about a situation, the better prepared I feel to deal with the situation, the better positioned I am to enjoy a new situation. So, if you can, teach your child what to expect. If the situation turns out different from what was expected, it can be used as a teaching tool to help your child to adapt next time. Try to help them see similarities in the experiences they face to help them make sense of the world they live in.

3.    Practice

With my daughter, I’ve been working on trying to get her to talk to her friends at preschool and at church. She has done so only once, maybe twice. I was the same way when I was her age. I’ve started teaching her how to communicate, practicing saying hello and answering questions when asked. Something as simple to me, such as “How are you?” Is not simple to her. So, I’m teaching her how to respond depending on how she is feeling. If she ever doesn’t answer a question that I asked. I pause what it is that I am doing and what she is doing to have her answer. It’s a long process, or a “long runway.” But, she will now quietly say goodbye when we are about 15 feet away. A big step for her on the path to her flight. 

4.       Allow your child to experience new situations

Again, analyze the situation. Has your child had enough rest? Have they had a good balance of stimulation? Will it be too much or could they use the interaction? The better you know your child, the more you will be able to help them. The more they can feel understood by you. With that said, don’t always keep your child from new experiences just because you think it will be too much. Sometimes they need that extra stimulation. There is a desensitization that can occur as they become more familiar with the situations that they face often. It took a lot of experiences interacting with my sister before she felt comfortable enough to run to her when she saw her. I had to allow her to experience being around family, to learn who they are. But, we have to allow those situations to occur. It is all about finding the right balance of exposure and stimulation. 

5.       Trust your child 

With my daughter, if she is completely not ready for something, she will let me know. She pushes back way more than if she is open to the idea but still apprehensive. Balance your trust in your child with the importance of the situation. If the situation is important and your child doesn’t feel ready, be there with your child. Think of ways to help your child feel more at ease. One day my daughter didn’t want to go to preschool. She had been going for a couple of months, but for some reason on this particular day, she was resistant. On the way, she kept telling me “no, no, no.” So, I negotiated with her. I told her I would stay with her, just that day, but tomorrow I would be dropping her off. She was okay with that and agreed that the next day she would go without me staying. I went and at first she stayed right next to me, almost glued to my side. But, slowly as the time went on, I was able to move further away as she participated in the activities. The next day she went by herself and enjoyed it. 

6.    Build Your Child's Self Confidence

Sometimes our child's ability to take flight has to do with mindset. They need to believe in themselves. We need to believe in them. If we believe in the them, they begin to feel that themselves. They start to think that they can do it as well. It is through believing in ourselves that we don't give up and through that we fly.

Our children can only go so far in learning before acting. We all need to take that leap of faith in order to fly. There will be mistakes made, but a mistake is always something that we, and our children, can learn from. And we need to allow (sometimes push) our children to take that leap of faith as well.

Heartache and My Struggle to Reconnect

I really struggled with writing this post. I mean REALLY struggled with it. This is a post about one of the most difficult trials of my life and it still affects me deeply, in some way it probably always will. I hope that by writing this though that you too can see that reconnecting with others is possible. If you aren't an introvert but you love someone who is, I hope that through reading this you come to understand that trials and stressful situations cause introverts to need even more time by themselves to recharge in order to handle the situation they're facing. Connecting as a highly sensitive introvert who is also shy is difficult enough for me, but after going through a difficult trial and depression, it was even harder for me to connect. I am still working on reconnecting and reaching out. Sharing this is part of the process.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom. I remember how much I enjoyed being a “mom” to my dolls and stuffed animals. I made sure I tucked each one in comfortably at night. As I grew older, I knew it would be some time before I would become a mom and I also knew that the Lord might have other plans for me. So, I put that desire aside. After earning my bachelor’s degree in psychology, I married a wonderful man. Together we planned to have a child. Yet, it didn’t happen right away. After a couple of years we began to worry and started to look into infertility treatments. 

Then, I got pregnant.

We were so thrilled. We quickly let our parents know. We planned it out, coming up with a cute way to let each of our parents know. We went to our first ultrasound appointment both anxious and excited. Seeing the little heart beating on the ultrasound was so unreal to me. It was beautiful. I fell in love with that little baby inside of me. 

I was getting close to the end of the first trimester when the bleeding began, just a little bit, but enough to scare me. I went in for an ultrasound. We expressed our concern, but the nurse was not concerned. It was not uncommon for spotting to occur in the first trimester. We started the ultrasound. 

There was no heart beating. 

The nurse went to get the OBGYN, but I knew, I would not be able to hold my baby. The doctor came in and my husband held me as it was confirmed that we had lost the baby. A chromosomal abnormality we were told. I had no control over it. Nothing that I could do to keep it from happening again.

One thing that I learned from this experience is that I really don’t like statistics. Apparently, it’s fairly common for someone to get pregnant again within a year after a miscarriage. But, it didn’t happen for me. I wasn’t even sure if I could get pregnant again. It seemed that it was just some fluke that I got pregnant in the first place. Each month would bring a new heartbreak, every month reminded me of the child that I had lost. Every month. I closed myself off. I went into my introvert shell. I went through the motions with my closest friends and family. But, I didn’t reach out. I didn’t seek connection either. Only my husband really knew what I was really going through. He was my constant support, though it tore him apart to see what this trial did to me, all the while dealing with his own pain from it. We turned toward each other and supported each other. Looking back, I am so thankful that this trial strengthened our relationship rather than destroyed it. 

As time passed, we became unsure what to do. We tried some infertility treatments, but they did not work. I hated the uncertainty of knowing whether or not anything would work. We more seriously started to consider adoption. When we came to a decision to adopt we called up an adoption agency and were told that they were no longer servicing our area. That derailed us a bit. We decided to wait a little longer. 

Then I received some amazing and almost unbelievable news. I was pregnant. Neither my husband nor I could really believe it. We talked with the OBGYN that we were seeing for infertility and told her of our anxiety around the pregnancy. We were worried that we would lose this child as well. She understood. We had ultrasounds more often than usual to make sure that things were progressing normally and once we were in a safer point in the pregnancy, I started to see my usual OBGYN. We took our time letting others know this time, having learned from our previous experience. But, when we found out that we were having a girl, we finally let everyone know the amazing news. 

I was beyond joyful with each step in the pregnancy. But, I was also really anxious, neurotic even. If there was even a chance that something wasn’t good for the baby, I stayed away from it. Even though the miscarriage that I had had wasn’t caused by anything I did, I sure wasn’t going to do anything that might cause a miscarriage. When I felt the fluttering that comes with the first few kicks, my joy was great. Yet, even then I still worried, constantly looking for movement. For me, pregnancy was long because of the fear that I felt that I would lose my little girl.

After a long, 32 hour labor, Lil Bug was born. I could not help the tears that came to my eyes as I finally held her in my arms. I’ll never forget that night in the hospital as I held her in my arms and told her about all the people who love her. 

You would think that now that I had a child of my own, that my dream had been realized that I would start to reach out again. That I wouldn’t keep going through the motions. But, even though my dream had come true I still didn’t come out of my introvert shell to connect with others. I still kept my friends at a distance and I still did not make a huge effort to make new friends.  

I feel that there are two main reasons for why I didn’t try to reach out. The first reason being that I still felt deeply the pain from the miscarriage and heartache we went through with infertility. Here’s the thing about many highly sensitive introverts. We feel emotions on a really deep level. It is easy for us to feel what others are feeling too. Because of this it was hard for me to be around others. To feel their emotions, whether positive or negative. I was too emotionally stimulated with my own emotions to be around others. 

The other aspect of what has been keeping me back is the aspect of introversion. As a new mom, my introvert battery was constantly drained. I was constantly putting my little baby first before myself. This combined with lack of sleep left me not having enough energy to reach out and connect with anyone. It got better after my Lil Bug started sleeping through the night. Things became more routine and I was able to have more moments to recharge. Yet, by the end of the day, I just did not have the extra energy to reach out and connect with anyone outside of my little family.

For the time being though, I was okay with that. It was difficult at times as I was often on the edge of burn out (sometimes passed that) but I still enjoyed being a mother and a wife more than anything. I loved my family and they still mean so much to me. They are my greatest joy. The pain in the past made having my daughter that much sweeter and I still relish in the joy of having her every single day. I still feel pain when I think of the baby I lost. Yet, I feel that it is harder for me to take my daughters for granted because of the loss that I did have. 

I say daughters, plural, because we have since had another precious little girl. My husband and I were blessed to not have to wait as long for another child. She is our Lil Sunshine, so full of life and joy. But, with Lil Sunshine I struggled with depression when she was a newborn. My battery had run dry. I was breaking down because I was giving my all to those I loved most. And though I cherished my Lil Sunshine, I struggled. The things that kept me going during this time was support from family and my faith in God. My love for my family also kept me going because I knew that they needed me and so I kept going, but I broke down a lot.

Interestingly enough, this was also where I started to turn around. I realized that I needed to make a change. My husband and I came up with a plan for me to have some time to myself each morning. He watched the girls before he left for work and I would go on a walk/run. It was so freeing. It wasn’t much time but it was just the right amount of time to get charged for the day. By having just this little amount of time each day, I was then able to think of ways I can recharge throughout the day and still have rich, meaningful moments with my two little girls. And I found myself enjoying the beauty of simple things again (like the rain). 

As I went on my walks, I started listening to Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, “Happier with Gretchen Rubin.” I enjoyed her book, The Happiness Project and so I was excited to find out she had a podcast. I began applying tips from the podcast, working on improving myself. As I worked on improving myself, I began to desire to reach out more to others. I let that desire work within me. It was still some time before I reached the point that I could connect with new people or reconnect with others, but if you let the desire work in you it will eventually lead to action.

I began to focus more on my older daughter and how she was a bit different from some of the others kids around her age. I learned more about her high sensitivities and introvert tendencies. As I did so, I learned more about myself. That knowledge, combined with the desire to reach out and connect with others, has led me to this blog. I want to share what I have learned and what I am continuing to learn as I raise these darling girls to be well adjusted adults who understand that the traits within them are strengths, who understand that they can be themselves, love who they are, and thrive.

4 things I’ve Learned About Being A Highly Sensitive Introvert Through Raising One

There have been several times that my mom has made the comment how I was just like my daughter when I was younger. What’s funny, is that she is not just so much like me when I was younger, she is so much like me right now. Even though I am an adult now, I am still very similar to my little highly sensitive introvert daughter. I am constantly trying to learn how to help her deal with situations that she has come across in her life so far. In turn I have come to realize that the things that she is learning can also help me. Some of these things might apply to you and/or your child but since no two people are exactly alike there may still be differences. Here are the four things that I've learned about myself through raising my daughter:

1.       Highly Sensitive to Emotions

Since realizing that my 3 yr. old daughter is highly sensitive, I’ve started to realize just how much I am as well. See previous post for info on high sensitivity. There are a lot of introverts who are highly sensitive. I’ve known I was an introvert for a while but I am only recently realized that I am also highly sensitive. hsperson.com has a great quiz for determining the possibility of whether you or your child is a highly sensitive person.

One of the things that I see as a strength of many people with high sensitivity is their ability to understand others’ emotions. They have a greater capacity for having empathy. With a mom who is also a Licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve had several discussion with her about being in crowds and how I feel anxious at times being in a crowd. We’ve discussed possible reasons for this, one of which is our ability to feel others’ emotions. I never realized this could partly be because of high sensitivity. When I am with a group of people who are feeling mixed emotions, especially emotions that are negative, I start to feel those emotions too. This is something to consider if you or your child is highly sensitive and responding to being around a group of people.

I do want to take a moment to point out that they could also be overwhelmed by all the other types of stimulation that they are experiencing, not just emotions. But it is common for highly sensitive people to pick up on others’ emotions more easily. Highly sensitive people who understand this gift can make a great impact on other people because it allows them to sit with others in their pain and help others to feel understood. However, this strength also has the weakness of overwhelm. In my case, sometimes I just need to be alone so that I can recover from the range of emotions that I have felt throughout the day. If we don’t take time to restore ourselves it can be detrimental to both ourselves and those that we are around.

I think this can especially be seen in parenting. The more heightened the parents’ emotions or stress, the more heightened the kids’ stress and emotions, and the more they respond to those emotions. When you put a highly sensitive kid with a highly sensitive parent and both are stressed, things can spiral out of control quickly. While Lil Bug is quick to comfort me when I’m sad, she is also quick (and I mean quick) to raise her voice when she gets frustrated and it’s the same for me. This is one of my greatest difficulties in raising her because tension between us can escalate really, really quickly.

After Preschool today, Lil Bug was something else. We got home and every little thing that her little sister did, she flipped out about, and I mean flipped out, screaming and throwing a tantrum on the floor. Now part of this was also about her need for space to recharge her introvert battery but the other part that caused things to escalate quickly was that she REALLY and DEEPLY felt every emotion she was feeling. And on my end, I wasn’t much better as my patience with her outbursts really ran out quick. But when I realized what was happening, I gave her a hug and held her until we were both able to calm down and discuss what happened while she sat on my lap, cuddled against me.

Knowledge is the most important thing here, because when I understand what is happening then I can make the conscious effort to calm down. Now that I know about mine and my daughter’s highly sensitive tendencies, I am quicker to realize what is going on. I can also understand her better, because I can sense what she is feeling. Likewise if we can teach our highly sensitive kids that their ability to sense emotions is a good thing and teach them how to cope with that ability they can be a positive force for good.

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2.       I Need Time to Myself

Another thing that I’ve learned since being a mom to Lil Bug is how much I need time to myself. While I always knew that I was an introvert I never really knew what that meant until I started reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. While reading that I realized how essential it was to have some alone time to gain back my energy and essentially be more like my true self. With Lil Bug I’ve noticed that she needs time to herself as well, otherwise she is more prone to being REALLY frustrated and upset. However, when she has time to play by herself, read her books, or play with her blocks, she is a lot more easy going and able to roll with things a little more.

3.       Reluctance to do new things

I used to think that I was willing to try new things, and at times I am, but I have realized, since being a mom, that most of the time when the opportunity to try something new comes, I often  choose to do something I am familiar with instead. A classic example is going to a restaurant. My husband and I 9/10 times choose to go to a restaurant that we have been to before. When I look over the menu, I take my time. I consider all of my options and I find several things that sound good to me but in the end I choose something that I’ve had before. This happens at least 90% of the time. I choose to not take the risk. It’s not that I’m not being courageous. It is more that I consider all my options and then decide if I really want something new. In a way, when an introvert does this, and they choose what they really want, they are being courageous, whether or not it’s familiar. But, this can only be determined with careful consideration.

My Lil Bug is the type of person who will observe, observe, observe, and then maybe she will do something, as long as no one else is around. She will more often choose not to do something unless she is familiar with it. As I was thinking about Lil Bug and how much she observes to the point of familiarity the other day. Then it came to me, I realized that I am the same way. It was like a lightning bulb went off in my head. I learn, learn, learn and then maybe do. I LOVE learning. But, part of the fulfillment in learning is applying. This is why starting this blog was a big step for me. I was acting and not only was I acting but I knew that I still had a lot to learn, so I took a leap of faith, and decided to create my blog and start scheduling posts. I didn’t know where it would go, I didn’t know how to attract people to my blog, and I still don’t know. But, I decided to go for it anyway. I realized that I could learn as I go in some things. I also realized that sometimes we learn best by doing. 

4.       Prefer a Plan

When Lil Bug experiences something new it is best when I tell her what she can expect. Sometimes knowing ahead of time that she will be experiencing something new makes her anxious, but even then I have noticed that she adapts so much better to the idea when she is prepared.

One experience that we had recently was when Lil Bug’s preschool went on a field trip. I started preparing her ahead of time that I would not be joining her on this particular field trip. She was nervous about it, but when I reassured her that everyone from preschool would be there too, she seemed comforted about it. When I dropped her off, she didn’t fight me on it or beg me to stay. She went on her field trip. When I picked her up, she had a huge smile on her face. Later on I showed her the pictures from the field trip that her teacher had taken. She enjoyed looking at them and enjoyed remembering the experience, telling me a little bit about it.

Before I do anything, I like to know what I am getting myself into. I like to have a plan. The same is true when it comes to vacations. My husband is the opposite of me when it comes to vacations. He likes to relax and not worry about having a plan and stressing about doing everything while on vacation. I’ve come to realize that he is right in this case. I shouldn’t be so stressed about sticking to a schedule on vacation, I should relax more. When it is just our little family, it is easier for me to go with the flow. However, when it comes to going on vacation where we are with others, I worry more about what is going to happen and what the plan will be. I am more concerned with making sure everyone is enjoying themselves. And people can be unpredictable at times. There is always a sense of unknown, even with a plan, but when I really don’t know what to expect, my anxiety heightens. If I know what I am getting myself into, then I can prepare myself, at least a little, for what is to come.

It really amazes me just how much we can learn from our kids. Sometimes its something cute and small that may not have much significance in the long run, but at other times our kids can teach us some deep and profound things. I never realized how much I could learn about myself from raising kids. My Lil Bug has already taught me so much and she’s only 3! But, these 4 things are extremely important for me and my relationship with her. Knowing these things helps me to better understand what to do to prepare myself for the unknown future. These things also help me to be a better mom as I come to understand my little girl a bit more. I hope that the similarities that I have with her will also help me understand her on a deeper and more empathic level.