Helping My Young Children Prepare For A Move

This past year and a half was insanely busy for us. We remodeled the kitchen of the house we were living in, sold that house within 24 hours of putting it up for sale, and then we moved for 8 months while we built our own house. My husband is a general contractor which means we (he) really did build most of it ourselves. This meant a lot of extra hours after work and a lot of late nights for us. There was also a lot of driving back and forth from the rental to the house we were building. And a lot of changes.

As a highly sensitive introvert and also the parent of one, I've come to understand the importance of familiarity and routine. I really like to understand my circumstances and I enjoy familiarity. New and novel things can be fun and exciting at times but its familiarity that calms us. Unfortunately in the last 18 months there has been a lot of unfamiliarity but we made it through both the not so pleasant unfamiliarities but also the pleasant familiarities. Even good change can cause a lot of stress. Which is why it is important to take time to care for yourself and make sure that those you love do the same. I am amazed as to how well Lil Bug took to all the changes that we’ve had because one of the strengths of highly sensitive people is that they can feel the emotions of others. They cue into them more easily. But there is also a difficulty with this strength. We both picked up on all the emotions that were going on and at times it took some adjustments to help cope with the overwhelm of emotions. And its why we did our best at creating familiar surroundings and keeping as best as we could to familiar routines.

Unfamiliarity and change can bring uncertainty and I wanted to help my daughters with some of the feelings that they might have been experiencing. We definitely had our shares of bumps along this road we traveled but there were a few things that we did which helped us prepare our daughters for the move.

Here are those things:

1. Bring familiar things into the space

Lil Bug was almost 3 when we made the first move and Lil Sunshine was almost 1. When we made the move we made sure that the rooms we were moving into had some sense of familiarity even though they were still different. This was a little bit hard because we were moving into a much smaller rental and their rooms would also be storing things that were not originally in their rooms. But, we made sure that they had the familiarity of their beds, dressers, and toys. We also tried to bring in the same amount of light (or lack of it) that they had had in the other house. The last night, we left most of her things in her room so that she didn't feel like she was missing anything she cherished. We had to pack some more the next day, but it helped her to know that her things would stay with her. We then stuck to morning and bedtime routines to help with the transition as well.

 

      2. Let them get to know the new place ahead of time, if possible

We were blessed in that we were moving within the same city. It was easy to go and show our children where we were moving. They saw it before we moved in and could better understand where they were going. We were also blessed with my husband being the general contractor of our new home. We were there "helping" often and the girls knew which room would be there’s from the moment the foundation was poured. There were times that Lil Bug would just play in her “room” while Daddy and Papa worked on the rough plumbing, before the walls were even up. When we put the doors on, Lil Bug was already keeping her little sister from coming into her room. She already associated it as her room. By the time we moved in she was comfortable in the house. For Lil Sunshine, it wasn’t until we put carpet in that she was really comfortable with her new room. As soon as she saw the carpet, she flopped down on it and began rolling around.

While your child may not have the opportunity to see each stage of their house being built, try at least once to bring the child into the home ahead of time. That way they can visualize where they are moving to when you discuss it with them.

3. Explain what is happening (and often)

I’m a big fan of knowing what is to come. I like to be prepared. Yet, I am aware that no matter how much I prepare I still don’t know what may or may not go wrong.  Even with that knowledge, I still do what I can to prepare myself and my children. I strive to help them understand what is to come. It was no different with moving. We involved them in the different steps that we took in building a new house and in moving. We explained that the rental home would be temporary and we would move into the "new, new" house.

4. Explain what will stay the same

On the day of the move, we talked to Lil Bug about how we would be moving that morning. The time had finally arrived and I could tell she was anxious about it. She had gotten used to living in the rental for the past 8 months. Even though we had let her know we would be moving and even though she could see the progress of the house, she still didn’t have a solid concept of time. When the move became “today," she was apprehensive about it. I took the time to explain to her that even though we would be moving, Mommy and Daddy would still be with her. Lil Sunshine would still be with her. Her bed, her dresser, and all her toys would still be with her. We just wouldn’t be sleeping and living in the same place. This calmed her and she then became excited that she would see Grandma, Nana, Papa and Auntie that day.

5. Let them experience the move

I had several volunteers for watching the girls during the move, but what I really wanted was for the girls to see what was happening. I wanted them to be part of the experience and see their things moved from one place to another. I wanted them to have a visual learning experience. So, those volunteers did great at keeping the girls out of the way of the movers but also they did great at helping them to understand what was going on and how to enjoy the process. The girls had a great day and they both were beyond excited to see their things in their new rooms. When Grandma came over, they excitedly gave her a tour of the new house.

All in all the girls did great in transitioning with the move. There have been a few adjustments and struggles. For one, Lil Bug, had gotten used to us being in close proximity at night. It’s been 3 weeks and she has finally started sleeping in her own bed again. But, they love it here and they look forward to being at home again after running errands.

Do you have any more tips for helping kids experience and adjust to moving? I would love to hear them in the comments.

Why Mental Health Days are Important For Your Child (and for You)

My family went through a lot when I was 15. My younger brother passed away and there was a lot of extra stress on top of that. I remember one time during that year when my mom pulled me out of school. She took me hiking in the nearby national park. It was a wonderful day as my mom and I spent time submersed in nature, enjoying our time with each other. We developed a greater connection with each other. It was also a wonderful break from all the stresses that we were facing in our lives. My mom called it a mental health day. 

I have never forgotten that day nor have I forgotten the benefits that my mom and I gained from having our mental health day. I want to share with you some of these benefits and why taking a mental health day can be beneficial to both you and your child.

1. Time to Recharge from Overstimulation

As an introvert, life can be draining. We are constantly stimulated by everything in life. We need time to recharge because when we do so, we can perform to the best of our abilities. When I first became a mom of two little girls, I became overstimulated and I did not take enough time to recharge. This led to burnout and depression. You can read more about this experience and how knowing more about introversion helped me to overcome it in my post Heartache and My Struggle to Reconnect.

One of my favorite podcasts is Happier with Gretchen Rubin. On a particular podcast, she talked about how when her in-laws go on vacation they always save a day at the end of the vacation to be at home. I thought it was a great idea. Vacations can often be filled with fun and exciting (aka stimulating) things, which we enjoy, but wear us out. Even if your vacation is more about relaxing on the beach and not as stimulating then taking a day at home before getting back to work/school will make it easier to go to back the next day. Also my daughters take a few days to readjust after being away from home. I usually try to have a day of familiarity after we get home so that they can settle back into home life.

When your child becomes overstimulated, they may become cranky and irritable. Your child also needs time to recharge. Recently my Lil Bug had preschool and then that same day we had some extended family events. She was overstimulated and exhausted by the end of the day. Even though she had fun being with family, it was exhausting for her and she was easily upset and struggled with sleep when we got home. She slept in the following day. Even though she had preschool, I decided not to wake her up. Instead, I let her teacher know that she needed a break and would not be there. All the events from the day before were too much for her and she needed some time to recharge. To unwind. She needed a mental health day. She had enjoyed her time the day before but she was overstimulated and overwhelmed by everything that had happened. She needed time to recharge before continuing in the world. When she did wake up, I could tell I had made the right decision. She needed the solitude of home and the calmness of the activities that we do at home. Usually school is one of our priorities for pushing Lil Bug out of her comfort zone, but in this case it was too much for her. She needed the break. 

I’m not saying to always take your child out of school, but just consider your child and what is best for you both. Maybe you can wait until Saturday to do something different. At the end of a long week of school, think about what would help your child recharge and help them do it. If you’re finding that you are using the mental health day idea too often, then reevaluate the underlying causes of your child’s distress. Something needs to change, it’s not a matter of just relaxing. In any case, take time to assess your child’s needs and decide what is best for them.

2. Time to Think and Make Sense of the World

The next benefit is the time we have to think and make sense of the world. This is beneficial especially when you and/or your child are dealing with intense emotions, caused by heartache,
stress, or too many changes in the environment. A day, or even a half day, away from the stress that we encounter each day can help us to process all of the emotions that we have encountered. We can gain a greater understanding of our situation. And oftentimes when we take time to feel our emotions fully we can work through them more easily.

Remember also that your children, especially if they are highly sensitive can sense your emotions and
consequently the stress you feel. Adults and children are both seeking to make sense of the world. Children especially are inundated with new ideas and concepts, but adults experience new ideas, experiences, and stimuli as well. Taking some time to really process what is going on in your life helps you to make needed connections that cause you to better understand yourself, your child,
and all the other relationships that you have in your life.

As a 15 year old, I gained great insight into the direction my life wanted to go. I discussed this at length with my mom that day. It was done in a setting and at a time where I could think when needed and say what I wanted to at a pace I enjoyed. I was able to work through some of the things that I had either been pondering or that I needed to think about but had not had sufficient time to do so.

3. Meaningful Connections

This particular benefit comes from doing a mental health day with someone else, in this case my mom. She was someone I knew and loved. She was familiar to me. It was not stressful or anxiety creating being with her. We also did something that I loved to do, hiking, being in the outdoors, away from crowds. It was a calm, healthy environment for me. That healthy environment and the calm activity of hiking, deepened my connection with my mom.

As a parent, I am constantly wanting to create meaningful moments with my daughters. Moments where I am completely focused on my kids. Moments where I feel an even greater love and joy just being with them. Moments that help both my children and myself thrive. Seek those meaningful moments each day, then when you have a mental health day with your child, deepen those moments.

There will be times that we need our time alone, but it can also be re-energizing when we deepen the connection with those with whom we have meaningful connections.

4. Example

This particular benefit of that day with my mom is something I am only now realizing. My mom took the time to be flexible for me. She showed me an example of a parent who cares and loves their
child as she created time for me. She also showed me through her example the importance of taking time for ourselves, not necessarily when we want it, but when we need it.

As parents, do we not want to teach our children to take care of themselves? We try to teach them the importance of eating healthily, exercising, educating themselves, protecting themselves from
physical harm, but how often do we teach them to take a break when they really need it? How often do we teach them to process their feelings and process what they’re going through? How often do we teach them to be flexible enough to take care of themselves? And how often do we show them these things through our example?

Being an example is one of the most important ways to teach our children. Teach by example, the importance of taking time to recharge.

As an introvert parent it might be a bit harder to find time to take a full mental health day. Sometimes just an hour or two is enough. If you find you really need a full day, ask for help from friends and family. But, whether you can make it a whole day or not, try to take some time each evening to help yourself recharge. Read some ideas for recharging at the end of the day here. There is also The Wallflower Box which is a subscription box that is specifically geared towards helping introverts to recharge. I am not an affiliate with them but I love what they are doing so I wanted to share it with you.

I have found that as I’ve made time to recharge that I have become a more patient and loving parent. When my children have taken that time to unwind and recharge, they are happier. This is the last benefit that I’ll mention, the feelings of peace and understanding that come from recharging.  Let’s take some time to make sure we set a good example for our kids and teach them the importance of processing emotions and stimuli.

Helping Your Introvert Child to Try a New Experience

Last summer I took my 3 yr. old to a birthday party. While all the other kids ran around and went up and down the slide, my daughter watched, and watched, and watched. At one point she moved closer to the side but would not go much farther without me by her side. 

I remember making the remark to one of the other moms there that Lil Bug observes, observes, observes, and then maybe she’ll participate. And then if she did participate it would be if there was no one in close proximity of her, other than myself. She did climb up the small ladder to the slide, but as another child came up behind her she decided she didn’t want to go down the slide. There were still too many people around her she was not as familiar with. After a year of growth, she’s a little quicker to act in between bouts of people. Yet, she still takes her time and observes more than participates.

I share this experience because I want you parents with highly sensitive and/or introvert children to know that you are not alone.

Before I realized my daughter was a highly sensitive introvert, I wondered if anyone else had a child who wouldn’t participate in activities because they preferred to watch. I wondered what those other parents did to help their child start to interact with the world. Even with family Lil Bug would take some time, every time, to warm up to them. Even the ones that live in town. She now runs to my sister, her aunt, when she sees her. But, a year ago, that was rare.

Even before this experience from last year, I came across www.quietrev.com and remembered the book that I had from Susan Cain (Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking). I dived back into that book and read articles on quietrev.com. I also came across the Quiet Revolution's parenting class (not an affiliate of Quiet Rev) and took the class online. It was freeing. I finally realized that there were others similar to my child. The examples used in the class described my Lil Bug so well. I saw myself in the parents and felt I was not alone. That affirmation that I was not alone was the best thing that I gained from the class. In the class though there is also a great tool for determining when you should push your child to step outside of their comfort zone and the examples teach useful tips for helping your child. 

One of the things that really stood out to me was the Long Runway that Susan Cain talks about in the class. She also talks about it on her podcast. (Click here to check it out) It seems to me that it’s an introvert thing to observe, observe, observe and then take flight. I also realized that I do that myself. Before I start a new venture, I always learn, learn, learn, until my brain just can’t take any more learning and I finally have to take a leap of faith and do it. I soak in as much as I can until my brain is completely saturated and I either need to act or decide that it is not for me. 

It is an introvert’s strength to ponder deeply and learn before acting. In Cain's book "Quiet" there is a great chapter on how there are evolutionary reasons behind this ability to think before acting. So, know that you are not alone in raising a child who will observe, sometimes more than you would like, before acting, if acting at all. It is good to be cautious and it is good to ponder deeply.

But, there still needs to be a balance. Help your child (and yourself if you’re the same) to understand what that balance is for them. One key thing to know is that we can learn so much more when we apply what we’ve learned and we can also learn so much more through experience. The same is true for our children.

So, at some point we need to step out. We need to take a leap of faith. Learn and observe, yes, but then apply. If you can benefit from it then definitely do it. Face your fear. And help your child do the same.

There will come a point that you’ll need to push your child, just a bit, out of their comfort zone. Above all though, know your priorities and think if the situation is right for pushing your child to make a step forward. 

Here are a few tips for helping your child try new experiences:

1.  Understanding

The first thing is the understanding that it may take some time for your child to go down that runway. Understanding that helps you to have the patience to help your child. It also helps your child to know that they are loved and that you are there to help them should the need arise.

2.    Preparation

Prepare your child. Help them to understand what is coming. The more I know about a situation, the better prepared I feel to deal with the situation, the better positioned I am to enjoy a new situation. So, if you can, teach your child what to expect. If the situation turns out different from what was expected, it can be used as a teaching tool to help your child to adapt next time. Try to help them see similarities in the experiences they face to help them make sense of the world they live in.

3.    Practice

With my daughter, I’ve been working on trying to get her to talk to her friends at preschool and at church. She has done so only once, maybe twice. I was the same way when I was her age. I’ve started teaching her how to communicate, practicing saying hello and answering questions when asked. Something as simple to me, such as “How are you?” Is not simple to her. So, I’m teaching her how to respond depending on how she is feeling. If she ever doesn’t answer a question that I asked. I pause what it is that I am doing and what she is doing to have her answer. It’s a long process, or a “long runway.” But, she will now quietly say goodbye when we are about 15 feet away. A big step for her on the path to her flight. 

4.       Allow your child to experience new situations

Again, analyze the situation. Has your child had enough rest? Have they had a good balance of stimulation? Will it be too much or could they use the interaction? The better you know your child, the more you will be able to help them. The more they can feel understood by you. With that said, don’t always keep your child from new experiences just because you think it will be too much. Sometimes they need that extra stimulation. There is a desensitization that can occur as they become more familiar with the situations that they face often. It took a lot of experiences interacting with my sister before she felt comfortable enough to run to her when she saw her. I had to allow her to experience being around family, to learn who they are. But, we have to allow those situations to occur. It is all about finding the right balance of exposure and stimulation. 

5.       Trust your child 

With my daughter, if she is completely not ready for something, she will let me know. She pushes back way more than if she is open to the idea but still apprehensive. Balance your trust in your child with the importance of the situation. If the situation is important and your child doesn’t feel ready, be there with your child. Think of ways to help your child feel more at ease. One day my daughter didn’t want to go to preschool. She had been going for a couple of months, but for some reason on this particular day, she was resistant. On the way, she kept telling me “no, no, no.” So, I negotiated with her. I told her I would stay with her, just that day, but tomorrow I would be dropping her off. She was okay with that and agreed that the next day she would go without me staying. I went and at first she stayed right next to me, almost glued to my side. But, slowly as the time went on, I was able to move further away as she participated in the activities. The next day she went by herself and enjoyed it. 

6.    Build Your Child's Self Confidence

Sometimes our child's ability to take flight has to do with mindset. They need to believe in themselves. We need to believe in them. If we believe in the them, they begin to feel that themselves. They start to think that they can do it as well. It is through believing in ourselves that we don't give up and through that we fly.

Our children can only go so far in learning before acting. We all need to take that leap of faith in order to fly. There will be mistakes made, but a mistake is always something that we, and our children, can learn from. And we need to allow (sometimes push) our children to take that leap of faith as well.

4 Steps to Helping Your Highly Sensitive Child to Calm Down

Temper tantrum. I think that we have all been there. There is a reason why the phrase temper tantrum exists. It’s common. Though I think that temper is probably not the best title for it. There are so many more emotions involved than anger. But, in any case, tantrums or perhaps more accurate, meltdowns do occur.

If you are like me, it can be frustrating when your toddler or preschooler starts reacting strongly to something that seems small to you. Right now I’ve been struggling with my 21 month old, Lil Sunshine, wearing her socks and shoes. I’ll put them on, she fusses and takes them off. I try putting sandals without socks instead, but then she insists on wearing the same socks and shoes she took off. All of this happening when I am rushing to get both girls out the door. It may seem like a small thing. “Just keep your shoes on if you want to wear them!” But, it might not have been a small thing to me, or you, when you were little. Which is why it is important to try to stop for a minute and think about what they might be going through. 

This takes me to my first step to helping your highly sensitive child to calm down:

Listen With More Than Your Ears

With a highly sensitive child it can be difficult at times to know exactly what set them off in the first place. Sometimes it happens quickly, their emotions go from okay to emotionally distraught. They cry as if something hurt them deeply and the truth is that they really do feel that something hurt them deeply. And when they are upset it is hard for them to communicate what exactly caused them to be upset in the first place. We need to look around, sometimes even smell if your child is sensitive to smells, to know what is going on. 

We also need to focus on the underlying emotions causing the child to be upset. Often for my daughter it has to do with frustration at something not going her way or becoming frustrated trying to accomplish something. Underneath these two frustrations are a world of emotions though. If we understand the deeper emotions than we can better help our children to understand how to use their emotions to better solve the problem themselves.

So let’s take a moment to analyze these frustrations. The thing with highly sensitive children is that they feel their emotions deeply. So when something doesn’t go their way it’s not a mild irritation but a deep frustration within them. Oftentimes the frustration is happening because there was some change in routine or environment. It’s unsettling for the child to see the change, perhaps even if it is a small change. It may cause them to wonder what else might change, which can be even more unsettling. Another emotion your child may feel by not getting their way is a lack of control. “If I can’t control what is happening here, what else can I not control?”

I believe it is also important to remember that our children are only just beginning to learn how to regulate and control their emotions. It’s hard enough for adults to control our own emotions so why do we so often expect kids to be able to control their own emotions?

When I stopped and focused on what was going on with my 21 month old and her shoes, listening to her with more than my ears, I realized that it was about how her socks and shoes feel on her feet. If her socks have a wrinkle in them, she feels it. When I apply it to myself, I realize I would prefer to not have a wrinkle in my sock too. So, why do I expect her to be okay with it?

Hold Your Child

Maybe my Love Language is physical touch, but for me there is something calming and secure when I am held by those I love. The same is true for my kids. Holding my daughters is a way of saying, “I’m here. I love you. I’m not leaving you. I’m ready when you are. You’re safe.” Most of the time my daughters literally jump into my arms when they are upset, to the point that I have bruises from it. It is a source of comfort to them to be held.

There are some times when my 3 yr. old is too upset at me to want a hug for me. It is usually because she is angry that I said that she couldn’t do something or I took something away. In these cases I give her a few minutes to have her own space. After she has a few minutes, I hold my arms out and she’ll come to me then to help her calm down. Most of the times, however, she comes the first time.

As I hold my child, I try to drown out the rest of the noises and stimulation. In Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them, she mentions taking your child away from highly stimulating environments. Try to find the least stimulating place you can. I have found that my girls usually bury their faces in me when I hold them. I also make a sh… sound, which I’ve done since they were a baby. It’s familiar to them and drowns out some of the stimulation from noises.

Talk to Them at Their Level

When our children are ready to talk, talk to them at their level, not down to them. Whenever I have something important to say to my daughters, I crouch down. In my opinion this shows respect to our children, who are often capable of understanding way more than we give them credit for and it also helps them to know that what I am saying is important. In the case of them having a meltdown, when I talk to them at their level I am letting them know that they are important to me and what they have to say to me is important to me. It is a way of showing that we care about what they feel and are experiencing.

Validate Feelings

It is important for our children to know that feeling emotion is okay. Emotions can be strong. And sometimes when they are strong it can be scary. We need to teach our kids that the emotion itself is not bad, it is how we act on the emotion that can become a problem. Being able to feel emotions deeply is a strength for highly sensitive people. If we teach our kids when they are young to understand that emotions can help them better understand themselves and the world around them, then they will grow with the ability to use their strength to help others.

Talk to your children about what they are feeling. Talk to them about what it is that caused those feelings. Help them to understand that it is okay to feel that way and then teach them how to use those emotions to understand how to fix the problem. Let your child know that you understand what they are feeling.

When I was a child I was playing outside with my brother. He called me a name and I ran inside, clearly upset. I ran to my mom. In my state of mind, I probably did not see that she was very busy. She, however, stopped what she was doing and listened. She responded to me, focusing on what I was feeling. Feeling like she understood me, I ran back outside and happily played with my brother.

Sometimes there are times when I forget to do these things. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be perfect. Yet, what is important is that I don’t stop trying to improve. I keep trying to do better at being a parent. So, if you forget, if you lose your cool, remember to not give up hope. Focus on your child’s feelings, listen with your ears, eyes, senses and your own feelings. And try to remember that your child is still learning. That we all are still learning.